What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m living a miserable existence right now.

I’m drinking too much. I’m depressed. I’m not motivated to do much besides exercise and drink (although, work has been slow this week, so I have the time). Overall, I’m just really… disappointed.

I’m disappointed in myself.

I’m disappointed in the state of our relationship.

I find myself doing things and thinking things that I don’t want to do or think, yet I can’t stop myself. I keep thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else (although I have no idea who that someone else would be).

I keep playing games. You said you want to know what it feels like to be alone, so I’ve taken it upon myself to do absolutely nothing around the house. You want to feel what it’s like? Here you go. I don’t vacuum. I’m not doing laundry. I’m not going to mow the yard. I’m not going to pay a bill. I’m not going to the grocery store. I’m not going to pick anything up.

All I’m going to do is the bare minimum to survive as a human being. And it sucks. This isn’t me. This isn’t how I want to be. Yet, here I sit – hung over and not feeling like doing a fucking thing. I want you to come home, but I don’t want you to come home. I want you to tell me it’s all better, but I don’t want you to tell me it’s all better. It’s like I want to have a reason to be mad at you, so that it’ll attract your attention. I know – it’s fucked.

I don’t know how culpable I am in all of this – some, I’m sure – but ever since you’ve had this feeling of independence, my life has been interrupted. I feel betrayed, even though I know it’s not your intent. You’re trying to look out for you.

But I need to look out for me and, unfortunately, I seem to have trouble doing that alone. It’s ironic, really. I feel “right” when I have a healthy relationship. You, on the other hand, want to be alone in order to feel healthier.

Is this going to work?

The bottom line is this: I need to make some major changes with myself. I am done drinking. Done. Over. Finito. In fact, I don’t even want to put anything in my body that could harm it. No medications. No booze. No bad food. I want to purify my mind and my body and, unfortunately, the only way I think I can do it is by going to this extreme. Balance will eventually come, but it won’t work for me right now, because balance still leaves an opportunity to indulge in the bad habits that have put me where I am right now.
I’m going to start training for boxing with Mark Mueller. I’m really excited about that. I hope that will give me something on which to focus, a reason to be better to myself.